Nahhh...

I feel no strong need to blog anymore. New year resolution will have something to do with reducing stress in my life... often stress induced by some sense that I "need" to do something.
I don't NEED to do lots of things.

That is all for now.

A convergence of themes

Many many years ago I wrote a little essay called "No Woman is an Island." It was about how I was realizing that I only really know myself in relation to other people, that a person's sense of self and identity is shaped within relationship. At the time, it was a pretty profound a-ha! kind of moment for me. In retrospect, it seems both obvious and wrong. You can't ever get outside those relationships to evaluate the accuracy of your analysis. So many years later do I know myself any better? Still... the question lingers. Or recurs.

Now it surfaces not so much in terms of seeking some kind of metaphysical absolute, but how we navigate between contexts, relationship and activities... and who that makes us (think we are).

I think these questions were enouraged back to the surface under the influence of two literary sources: Isabel Allende's House of Spirits, and (actually, the film version of) Into the Wild. House of Spirits dealt in part with the recurring themes within generations of a family. Into the Wild chronicles a journey by a young man who touches many people's lives by entering into relationship with them, even while he rejects all forms of emotional intimacy for himself. He walks the line that the (true) knowledge that love/god/the divine is everywhere, but forgets that the experience really only materializes when shared in relationship. He clings to the abstract in defiance of concrete realities right in front of him. He makes his personal discovery of the value of human relationship too late.

This is a picture I took on the Costa Brava just a few days ago. We were walking along a trail on the coast in a little town that I think was called Llafranc Roma (but I could be totally wrong). Everywhere you looked there was a beautiful vista. The Mediterranean shimmered its deep blue in pre-dusk, angular, golden light, surrounded by a fringe of hardy cactus and agave thrusting through cracks in the rocky cliffs.

I was drawn to this little view. The rocks in the water. This morning I think it's more about the water between the rocks. You can't just do well on each of your little rocks. You have to be able to get from on the the next. You have to be ok getting wet in the process. You have to navigate as well in the water as you do on land.

I've been splashing around in the water for a while, forgetting that the water may be all there really is, forgetting that even underneath the water there is a rock.

Teresa took off all her clothes and dove head first into that cold water! I was awe struck at her courage.

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How different a religion inpsired by contemplating water than one whose edicts were delivered on mountain tops.

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random thoughts...

Since I've now BLOWN my anonymity...

... and doing yoga teacher training, obviously I'm going to have to change myh name. So I took a test to see which Hindu goddess I am. Turns out I am most like Gayatri:

Gayatri, the many-headed symbol of Devi, or the divine feminine. As you can see she is closely associated with the lotus and with feminine beauty. She is a wise and good goddess and carries the weapons and items carried by other gods in her many arms. She is a reasonably good goddess and intellectually inclined, as she can see in all directions from the eyes on her heads.

Link: The Which Hindu Goddess Are You? Test written by mirchini on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Back to basics...

Originally, this blog was supposed to be a place for me to wax metaphysical. Then it became a place for me to post for really cute baby animal pictures (equally, if not more important... and if you haven't seen these, click away!)

Anyway... now that I've started yoga teacher training (oh no, am I even LESS anonymous now?), I'm going back to my original intention for this space. This will be where I "think" about some of the yoga teachings and things I'm reading as part of my training. So, if you're at all interested in tracking my spiritual journey, stay tuned here.

Love is Everywhere

Love is Everywhere, originally uploaded by gesualdo.

I do believe that.

Cheesy, but I loved this song so much in 1986

And his words were these...


Hope you find it in everything that you see.

Namaste

If I Had Not Fallen

If I Had Not Fallen, originally uploaded by gesualdo.

I'm losing it.

I'd rather be...

Tai Shan's Su Lin impersonation, originally uploaded by atomicdolll.

lounging around?
doing yoga?
flashing my panda box?

I've got too much to do and lots on my mind and can't deal with the anonymous blogosphere... tired of acting out in the real world. Blogosphere too dangerous. Real world too... virtual.

Thought for the day

"Life is change. Growth is optional."

I didn't realize it was the name of a (possibly cheesy) book... but it was something my yoga teacher said last week.

But, in an effort to be conscious, and into this very moment, it's worth considering. So, I put it here to remind myself when (in my vanity) I check my own blog to see if the two or three people who read it have left any comments!

More unnatural animal husbandry in China

Gratuitous Baby Animal Cuteness

Head like a hole

I had a molar pulled yesterday.

I wish I could think of something witty to say about the whole nightmare... but I can't. I'm just trying to get the cracking sound out of my head.

Did I gross you out?

Brush your teeth!

I'm so tired of feeling crappy

Seems like I'm sick all the time.

Mom says I'm not. I guess she would know.

Guess I need to remember to pay attention.

I'm telling you stories. Trust me.

"There's no such thing as autobiography there's only art and lies."

Make of it what you will.

I will. And gamble everything.

Grief

I'm still thinking about my experience at Molly's vigil last night.

Genevieve looked like her soul was being sucked into a giant hole in her heart; like she was trying to hang on to the edge. Don't fall in, Gen!

I didn't walk up to her. I swooped in. Everyone was looking at her.

Look at her.

I wanted to hold her so she could fall into that hole a little bit. Molly was family to her... Molly was a real person in her life. More than a symbol. More than an inspiration. More than a party host.

Can she really fill up that hole with memories?

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Betsy looked like she was in shock. Stunned. Lost. When does it really hit? What am I going to do?

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Lisa's voice shook as she told storied of Molly's support during nightmarish legislative sessions. Bruce fought back tears and said with wonder, "we just keep losing our heroes." Elliott, recovering from his second heart surgery, came but didn't stay long. But he came.

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In another part of my world, two of my work colleagues are waiting for a parent to die. Both have been told that death is imminent. They're in that process of waiting, taking turns with family members. Holding off the grief that is also imminent. That's gotta be the worst part... until worse parts come later.

I didn't know her personally

My friend Debbie organized a remembrance for Molly Ivins tonight.

Molly died yesterday of cancer. She was only 62 years old.

I didn't know Molly personally. I went to her house a few times... for her notorious final Friday parties and for a handful of fundraisers for liberal causes (Molly liked being a Liberal!). I didn't think her columns held effective answers to our problems, But I loved her wit, courage, example and heart.

I almost didn't go to the remembrance tonight. I drove by and there weren't that many people there. I had a vision of some news person asking me to comment on her passing--like I have any place doing that. But I went. I went because I have friends who knew her; friends I knew were devastated by her death.

I saw one friend -- a women I've known for almost 20 years, who grew up among Molly's crowd. She was heartbroken and there by herself. She thanked me for being there, hugging her, holding her hand and giving her kleenex.

I'm so glad I went.

Who will fill the void?

But I really feel more like Bob Geldof

After nine (count 'em) NINE consecutive gray days of rain, sleet and ice, the sun came out. I mean to say--it burst into the morning and did a snoopy dance with my heart all day.

That was a day when the wind was just just right.

But what about days like today? I know the Rumi poem is meant to remind us that everyday is such a day. But it's hard to be excited about another gray Monday--the first of another eight more to come?

Good day to mainline music, aroma, touch. I guess I'll try that.

Here's something from the happiest band in the world:

Hope has come, you are safe
And it makes me cry
Because I'm on my way
On my way
On my way
Hey, it's the sun, and it makes me shine
Hey, it's the sun, and it makes me shine
Hey, it's the sun, and it makes me shine
Hey, now, it's the sun, and it makes me shine

Sun
Soon, you'll be okay
Sun
Soon, you'll be okay
And it makes me smile
Because I'm on my way

Hey, it's the sun, and it makes me shine
Hey, it's the sun, and it makes me shine
Hey, it's the sun, and it makes me shine
Hey, now, it's the sun, and it makes me smile
All around
Hey, now, it's the sun, and it makes me smile
All around, all around

Today is such a day

I as a little witchy last night. At the end of my yoga class, we were sitting in the quiet and I thought these words:

On a day
when the wind is perfect,
the sail just needs to open and the world is full of beauty.
Today is such a
day.

I didn't make up those words. It's the beginning of a Rumi poem that I love.

When our teacher started saying her closing words, she opened a book and read that exact poem. It was so strange.

There are no new ideas... but they're not all bad

Colette Brooks took my idea... I'll share it here (because not being lazy was not a resolution!)

01.02.2007
In 2007 You Are as Good as Your Word

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, never have been. Except for resolving to shed the few pounds I gain as soon as the ocean temp drops enough to dictate a winter wetsuit. Okay, that hardly constitutes a resolution. Resolutions are steeped in firmness of purpose not firmness of buttocks.

A girlfriend of mine recently told me that this year she has decided to embrace "a word" rather than a series of commitments or goals.

Now that's something I can honestly get behind - not just for its simplicity, but much like interpretive dance, it provides ample wiggle room to screw up without feeling like a big loser.

On that note, my word for 2007 is consciousness.

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I was going more for awareness, but I like consciousness, too. Awareness feels more intense to me. What I'm going for is more like what Geena Davis was expressing in "Thelma and Louise" when she said "I feel AWAKE."


On New Year's Day I took part in a ritual yoga practice: 108 sun salutations followed by yoga nidra practice. 108 sun salutations took about three hours. It was physically and emotionally challenging. As a moving meditation, I watched my mind go from a sort of agitated state in the beginning, to an awareness that I was no longer agitated, to empty, to surrendered to my intention to finish 108 sun salutations.

I did them all.

I felt like every cell in my body was AWAKE, conscious.

I've been sore for three days now, but it was worth it. And that's what I want to try to remember going into this year.

A little effort is required, in fact. You can't actually be lazy AND conscious.

So... there you go.