Back to normal?

Really, there is no going "back" to normal. There is only to find a way to exist in the "new" normal. I hesitate even to suggest "going forward," because it's all I can do to stay in this moment.

I feel suspended... it's a little like I'm locked in that moment when I realized she was gone, somewhere between the panic (oh my God, this is happening, this is really happening right nere, right now) and the pain (oh my God, this happened. She is gone).

When I lost her, I lost a big chunk of myself. I lost my best friend, my fiercest defender, my most beloved champion, my sweet little mommy. But, those are roles she played as a third person in my life. I also lost something I can't describe yet. It's like a primary filter through which I know the world has been clouded -- obscured, or removed: I'm not sure which. Is it clearer now or cloudy?

The giant black hole, inky and oily, centered beneath my heart, sucks the air out of the room, sucks me into myself. Now, I'm supposed to rise out of the darkness like a phoenix-- recreated in my own image, different, tested by fire and pain, reduced to ash and reborn MORE myself, less myself/my mother, my other.

How can I be"come" more of who I really am when I've lost so much?

Day 5

Dear Mama,

I'm up. I miss you.

It's raining and I know little Benny must be trembling. Dr. T is taking care of him, though.

Today is the day I need to start calling your people. I know you said not to tell anyone... but I need to. They will be so sad, but they will tell me how wonderful you were, how loving, how funny, how smart, how beautiful, how full of life... and it will help me.

But for now, I'm going to sit in my little house, watch the rain, and listen to the tenors, REALLY LOUD. (Lenny doesn't like it!) Usually I stay away from music when I am sad... but I want to be filled with the beauty of perfection and feel you in it. I'm taking Melly to the Waldebuhn in June. We will sing and dance with the Germans, and cry and be happy. I know you'll be with us.

I love you so much.
I tried to do everything I could for you that last day. I know you suffered so much, for so long. I know you must have been scared. I felt so helpless. I hope you felt loved.