Back to normal?

Really, there is no going "back" to normal. There is only to find a way to exist in the "new" normal. I hesitate even to suggest "going forward," because it's all I can do to stay in this moment.

I feel suspended... it's a little like I'm locked in that moment when I realized she was gone, somewhere between the panic (oh my God, this is happening, this is really happening right nere, right now) and the pain (oh my God, this happened. She is gone).

When I lost her, I lost a big chunk of myself. I lost my best friend, my fiercest defender, my most beloved champion, my sweet little mommy. But, those are roles she played as a third person in my life. I also lost something I can't describe yet. It's like a primary filter through which I know the world has been clouded -- obscured, or removed: I'm not sure which. Is it clearer now or cloudy?

The giant black hole, inky and oily, centered beneath my heart, sucks the air out of the room, sucks me into myself. Now, I'm supposed to rise out of the darkness like a phoenix-- recreated in my own image, different, tested by fire and pain, reduced to ash and reborn MORE myself, less myself/my mother, my other.

How can I be"come" more of who I really am when I've lost so much?